My parents often say things they don’t mean. They’ve always been like that. Their mouths are, in most cases, faster than their brains. But the problem is that they often offend the people they speak to. And in most cases, we—their children—were on the receiving end. While growing up, we were often the subjects of criticism, and in a way, that shaped me and my sisters into who we are today. I won’t speak from their point of view, but I will write about my own experiences and how their criticism made me who I am. Because of them, I also know what I don’t want to do to my own child or those around me. Constant judgment and criticism can leave a mark, whether intentional or not.
I love my parents very much, but they can really drive me nuts sometimes. They always say what’s on their mind without regard for the impact of their words. It’s often hurtful when they comment about my weight, my life choices, the way I look, or how I react in certain situations. They say these things without thinking them through, and maybe they don’t intend to hurt me—but they do. Parents’ opinions are what children cherish the most. They look up to their parents as role models, and when they experience judgment or displeasure from them, it can truly damage their self-confidence.
When I was younger, I felt sad more often than I should have. Like any teenager, my world was constantly falling apart. I couldn’t talk to my parents the way I needed to. I often felt bad, and my self-esteem was really low. The list of struggles was endless. But somewhere along the way, I learned how my parents function, and I stopped caring so much about their opinions. Around this time, my own identity began to form—crucially different from theirs. I became my own person, with my own thoughts, beliefs, and aspirations. And time and time again, I had to remind myself: “You are better than this. Not everything needs to be said, especially if it’s not constructive.” Honesty is important, but so is sensitivity. I think that kindness and encouragement are much more powerful than constant critique.
The Cycle of Criticism
One thing I have noticed about my parents is that they come from a generation that was raised with criticism. Their own parents, my grandparents, weren’t exactly the warm, nurturing type. Instead, they believed that pointing out flaws was the best way to raise a strong, resilient child. So, in a way, my parents never knew any different. They never learned how to communicate encouragement, only judgment.
That cycle of criticism passed down to me and my sisters. Every comment about our looks, choices, and behavior was another link in the chain. But unlike them, I have the ability to break it. I refuse to pass it down to my child. Instead of pointing out every flaw, I want to encourage her, to make her feel safe and loved. Children shouldn’t have to build resilience as a survival mechanism. They should be able to grow into their confidence with the support of their parents, not in spite of them.
Learning to Influence Instead of Fighting Back
For a long time, I would get angry at my parents. I would argue, try to explain why their words were hurtful, or even shut down completely. But none of it ever worked. They would either get defensive or brush it off as if I were overreacting. It took me years to understand that trying to change them through confrontation wasn’t the answer. Instead, I started using a different approach: influencing them through my own behavior.
Rather than fighting their criticism with anger, I responded with calm explanations. When they would say something hurtful, instead of lashing out as I used to, I would say, “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. It hurts me.” At first, they ignored me. But over time, I noticed small changes. They started catching themselves before making certain comments.
It’s a slow process, but I’ve learned that influencing my parents takes patience. I can’t change them overnight, and I may never fully succeed. But if I can get them to think before they speak, even just a little, then I have already made a difference.
Setting Boundaries
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that just because someone is family doesn’t mean they have unlimited access to you. Setting boundaries with my parents has been crucial for my well-being. I no longer allow them to say whatever they want without consequences. If a conversation turns toxic, I walk away. If they criticize me, I tell them I won’t continue the discussion if they keep doing so.
At first, they didn’t take me seriously. They thought I was being dramatic. But when they saw that I was willing to walk away from conversations or limit my time with them, they began to respect my boundaries. It’s not perfect, but it has made a huge difference in how I feel around them.
Finding Peace
I used to believe that my parents had to change completely for me to feel okay. But the truth is, I had to change, too. I had to accept that they are who they are and that they may never fully understand the impact of their words. I had to learn to separate their criticism from my self-worth. And most importantly, I had to focus on the relationships I want to build in the future.
I no longer let their words define me. Instead, I use them as reminders of the kind of parent I want to be one day. I want my child to feel supported, not judged. I want her to feel safe talking to me, knowing she won’t be met with harsh criticism. I may not be able to change my parents completely, but I can change the cycle for the next generation.
So, should parents tell us everything they think? No, not always. Words have power, and parents need to understand the impact of their words on their children. Honesty is important, but so is kindness. If I’ve learned anything from my experience, it’s that choosing words carefully can make all the difference in the world. And if my parents can’t see that, then at least I will.
I will choose my words carefully. I will be the kind of parent who listens, who encourages, and who builds confidence rather than tearing it down. Because I know what it’s like to be on the other side. And I refuse to repeat the cycle.
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