Growing up, my parents were constantly criticizing one another. My mom was a stay-at-home parent, while my father was always working. Naturally, she took on the bulk of the household tasks, including cooking. To me, she was – and still is – a fantastic cook. She learned a lot from my late grandmothers, and I couldn’t be more proud and thankful for her. Every day at noon, lunch was served on the table. Along with the main dish, there was always soup, and many times even dessert. And every single time, it was delicious. For years, there wasn’t a better cook in my life – until I met my husband, who now holds that title.
And do you know what I remember the most? Not just remembering, but still reliving it every time we have a family lunch at my parents’ house – the constant criticism from my father. No matter how much I love him, his words could be cutting. Instead of thanking my mother or complimenting her efforts, he would often leave the table agitated and dissatisfied. Those moments stuck with me, and they still affect my sisters and me to this day. Even now, when we gather for a family meal, I feel a knot of nervousness, bracing myself for what my father might say.
When Criticism Becomes a Habit
Criticism, I’ve come to realize, can become a habit – one that’s hard to break. Yesterday, I decided to make doughnuts for my daughter. She’s allergic to milk proteins and can’t enjoy store-bought treats, so I wanted to give her that experience. I’d never made doughnuts before, but I found a recipe from my best friend and swapped out the dairy ingredients for plant-based alternatives. They weren’t perfect – not as fluffy as the ones from a bakery – but they were good. And do you know what my daughter said to me?
“You are the best mom.”
“You are a really good cook, Mom.”
Two simple sentences, filled with love and appreciation. But instead of soaking them in, I panicked. I focused on how the doughnuts weren’t fluffy enough, how they didn’t look like the store-bought ones, and what others might say when they tried them. My mind spiraled with doubts. Later, my in-laws came over for tea and doughnuts, and they were delighted. My parents, however, only saw photos of them. My mother’s response? “Look at how they look. I can already hear your father’s criticism.” It was a stark reminder of how deeply ingrained negativity can become.
Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
This pattern of criticism isn’t limited to my father. It’s everywhere. “Why didn’t you do it this way?” “This bed is poor quality.” The comments pile up, and over time, they shape how we see the world – and ourselves. I’ve realized that I, too, have been affected by this cycle. I have to actively work to avoid falling into the same patterns, to not let criticism overshadow kindness. I want to raise my daughter differently, in an environment where appreciation outweighs negativity.
In my in-laws’ home, the atmosphere is entirely different. Criticism is rare. Instead, there’s laughter and lightheartedness. If something isn’t perfect, no one cares. What matters are the people around the table, the time spent together, and the love shared. It’s a refreshing contrast to the environment I grew up in, and it’s shown me that there’s another way to live.
Why Is It Easier to Criticize?
So why is it easier to criticize than to compliment? Perhaps it’s because negativity is ingrained in us – through habit, upbringing, or even personal insecurities. Criticism often feels safer, a way to assert control or deflect attention from our own flaws. Complimenting, on the other hand, requires vulnerability. It means acknowledging someone else’s effort, celebrating their strengths, and letting go of the need to find fault.
But I refuse to continue the cycle. I want my daughter to grow up in a world where kindness is louder than criticism, where gratitude outweighs negativity, and where love is expressed through appreciation rather than complaints. At the end of the day, the warmth of a shared meal and the love in our words will always matter more than perfection. And that is a lesson worth passing on.
Let’s challenge ourselves to break the habit of criticism. The next time you’re tempted to point out a flaw, pause. Instead, find something to appreciate. A kind word, a heartfelt “thank you,” or even a simple smile can make a world of difference. After all, it’s not perfection that connects us – it’s the love and kindness we share.
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